“You Just Wait…”
If you are a parent of a young child don’t let a parent of a teenager scare you.
When the Bean children were much younger I received a fair share of unsolicited advice. I recall many instances when I would hear a more experienced parent describe the unpleasant nature of having to deal with one of their teenager’s recent escapades. Being the fresh parent that I was, I remember feeling as if I were listening to some sort of horror story. I must have looked like it too, since it always seemed that my shocked expression would be acknowledged with a warning which included the words “you just wait.” There was such certainty that this would be my future, I was often cautioned to prepare myself for this inevitable curse by “enjoying my kids now while they’re still young.”
Surely I would be wise to heed the advice of a seasoned parent, though I often wondered at the time how it would be possible to ‘enjoy my kids while they are young’ when I’m so damn tired from the lack of sleep required to take care of them. All I knew was that I did not relish the apparent fact that my three little Beans would one day become scary monsters. The prospect of having to deal with big and ghastly teenage strangers was frightening.
As it turns out, all the forewarning that I had once feared and the line of reasoning I had felt compelled to adhere to were crap. After the Ann Landers incident (see About page) I realized that this well-intentioned counsel was simply the reality of another. It was their story and didn’t necessarily have to be mine.
If you can’t imagine that some day your little one will be sneaking out of the house at night, stealing the family car for a joy ride, drinking alcohol under the stadium bleachers or being sexually active at age 14, then don’t. I’m not suggesting that you pretend these things don’t happen. I do encourage you to imagine contrasting scenarios that are in line with YOUR dreams, while discarding the unpleasant predictions that are offered to you by others.
Of all the things that I was told I could expect when my kids were teenagers, the one that really motivated me to find my own way was the suggestion that my daughter would one day be “crying to someone else about her troubles when she goes through the stage where she hates her mother.” Never threaten a witch with an objectionable forecast about her own life.
As grown-ups it is our job to not only provide our children with the care required to sustain their physical needs, but to teach them how to think. We can facilitate this process by validating their innate power to make choices for themselves at any age. When a child is two years old, it may be as simple as asking if they want to wear the boots or the sandals to walk through the woods, while stating the obvious consequences for each. When a child is six years old it may be that you offer the difference between choosing a birthday party with their friends or getting the new bike that they’ve been wanting. As the choices become more complex you will have developed a system in which their age-appropriate choices are clearly identified and corresponding consequences can be surmised and experienced.
Remember that if your little one is three years old now, you both have the next seven years of working together before she is ten years old and tells you that she likes a boy. Likewise, you have ten years before she is thirteen and tells you that she wants to go to a movie with a boy. That’s ten years chock full of opportunity for both of you to have developed a solid relationship of guidance and trust. Even if they are sixteen already, it is never too late to discuss their power to make choices. Relax. Enjoy the journey you’ll be making together.
The next time that you are subjected to a teenage horror story that includes the words “you just wait,” you’ll be able to smile with the confidence of knowing that you have your plan in place. You and your child will be writing your own story, thank you very much.
