Crazy Train
Every family has their quirks. Some are more deeply rooted in dysfunction than others, but all human beings who are associated through blood or marriage seem to have what could be defined as character flaws.
Among the several definitive features on my mother’s side of the family, there is one annoying custom that has persisted for at least a few generations. I would describe it as a tendency to transform information about a family member into a widespread discussion topic, but it is basically nothing more than a propensity for gossip.
The likelihood that anything I share with my dear mother or one of my older sisters will be honored as a two-party exchange is slim. Preemptive requests for discretion are futile. The inherent pull of the extensive Vesela grapevine is so powerful that a fierce loyalty to consensus between sisters overcomes restraint.
Vesela women have traditionally bonded throughout history in their struggle to survive among their various alcoholic and often abusive husbands. The custom of clinging to each other for strength seemed to be their only course of action, as if ‘leaving’ an abusive relationship were unheard of.
Not all of the Vesela sisters of my mother’s generation, and that of the one before hers, chose abusive husbands, but those who did continued to honor their marriage vows for better and usually worse. Vesela women seek their comfort in religious devotion and the companionship of their sisters.
I suspect that the practice of accepting hardship and whispering anguish between them is what may have led to our family heritage of depending so unconditionally on the input of each other. The habit of discussing and formulating opinions toward another family member (or a potential one), without directly confronting said person in question, is what may have led to this warped sense of discretion. Vesela bloodlines carry a certain entitlement to evaluate the situation and behavior of others under the guise that “this is the way it is done.”
The good news is that subsequent generations possess the fresh perspective to recognize ingrained family dynamics that may be contributing to inherited dysfunction. I recall an occasion several years ago when my nephew illuminated our family’s character flaw with insightful precision.
For many reasons (that I could write a book about some day), Nick and I have always been regarded as the “black sheep” of the family. Both of us have been accused of several mysterious infractions concerning family protocol, one of which includes not knowing when to succumb to the unspoken rule that “blood is thicker than water,” even when ‘family’ is blatantly in the wrong.
I do not recall the details surrounding Nick’s predicament during this particular occasion. I only remember what he said when I suggested that he relay his tumultuous feelings to his mother.
“No, thanks,” he spoke with conviction. “It would not resolve anything between us. Telling her how her behavior has made me feel will only incite a three-day-long crying fest among the aunts. Just because it is something between me and Mom does not mean it will stay there.”
And there it was. The obvious flaw among Vesela blood that would prevent a son from confronting his own mother. Telling my sister the details of Nick’s anguish that her behavior had caused would ultimately only contribute to the madness. I could only hope that offering Nick a level of deep understanding that would remain between us would suffice. What a mess.
With time and effort, there are those of us with Vesela blood who have managed to break the cycle of dysfunction within our own relationships. The ability to reject ingrained behaviors and adopt healthier methods of interaction with our loved ones is always an option. For those of us who seek improvement, we would be mindful to recognize that this change is an individual accomplishment, and may not be desired among those that we continue to interact with.
Humor is a viable coping mechanism within a family dynasty that continues to promote disturbing habits. I have a niece who fondly refers to the rapid movement of shared personal information between the women in our family as “The Vesela Express.” Sharing a personal situation with certain Vesela women will most likely end up on the information highway. Like a speeding train, the information and all implied extenuating circumstances will be discussed, evaluated, reviewed, and reconfigured appropriately across all available Vesela phone lines. Once a consensus is established, the original situation will have taken on a life of its own. Those of us who are aware of the powerful Express are ever mindful of what comes out of our mouth when speaking to a Vesela woman.
Now that I am about to click the ‘publish’ tab on this post, I can practically hear the train whistle blowing already:)
