One of the first suggestions made to clients who are seeking recovery from any form of addiction is to “find new friends.”

Seeking freedom from an addiction, or simply choosing to adopt a new and often unfamiliar approach to life is slightly smoother when you discontinue frequent interaction with others who engage in behavior that you view as personally destructive.  Eliminating unhealthy relationships might be one of the more obvious methods to improve your chances of a making successful changes in your life, but it is not always an option when these relationships include family.

As my sister-in-law Bethany would say, “We get to choose our friends, but we are always stuck with family.”

Since she married my brother, I suppose that would make us ’stuck’ with each other…Bethany may be my sister-in-law, but we are also friends who support each other in healthy ways.  Making changes in your life is exciting when you have positive encouragement from loved ones, but what about other family members who continue to promote behavior that you are attempting to change in yourself?

I had a colleague who would remind people that they had two choices:  Sever your family ties completely, or accept that your relationship with family members will be superficial.  This makes perfect logical sense, but the theory is often difficult to carry out.  Emotional ties run deep.

For what seems like too many painful and frustrating years, I ignored the two-choice option.  Determined to change our family dynamics, I held on to the notion that I could somehow convert my loved ones.  All of my training and experience went right out the window as I continued to pursue a starring role in the “Jillian Saves Her Family” Chronicles.

This is what is referred to in psychology circles as “the bargaining stage.”  Like all phases of an emotional process (in this case mourning the loss of a family who will never know who you truly are), you eventually get through it.  In the end, you can only be true to yourself.

The process of knowing when to release your emotional ties with other individuals can only be determined by you.  You are the one who will always have your “best interest” in mind.  Should you find yourself in a circle of friends, or family, who are unable to appreciate, understand, or even acknowledge the choices you make, you can always smile and ask them how the weather has been lately:)

Once you make a conscious decision to ease yourself toward more suitable avenues of companionship, the genuine company you desire will manifest.  As true magic unfolds, you will notice that old friends and new acquaintances will flow into your experience at times that will benefit you both.

Perhaps the heartache of attempting to crack a few tough nuts in your life can be minimized by offering appreciation for their chosen path.  Honoring the choices of others facilitates the energy of your own growth, and releases the judgment that often accumulates within the unseen nooks and crannies of our soul.  It would seem futile to try and convince others to “see the light,”  when your ‘light’ is your own.  Allowing yourself to honor their path can only bring honor to your own journey.

Depending on the eyeglasses through which we are looking, what are we if not someone else’s version of a nut?

Tags: bargaining stage, emotional process, family dynamics, family ties, new approach to life, recovery from addiction, stuck with family, true magic, unhealthy relationships